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Thanks to the internet im apprehensive now

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  • Thanks to the internet im apprehensive now

    I want to thank everyone who sent me educational e-mails over the past
    > years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
    >
    > I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
    > the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
    > bacteria on the lemon peel.
    >
    > I canít use the remote in a hotel room because I donít know what the
    > last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
    >
    > I canít sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
    > has happened on it since it was last washed..
    >
    > Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
    > imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
    >
    > I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
    > of a public bathroom.
    >
    > I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop
    > in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
    > envelope that needs sealing.
    >
    > ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    >
    > I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
    > Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
    >
    > I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
    > $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
    > their special e-mail program.
    >
    > I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
    > out for me, and St. TheresaísNovena has granted my every wish.
    >
    > I canít have a drink in a bar because Iíll wake up in a bathtub full of
    > ice with my kidneys gone.
    >
    > I canít eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    > freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
    >
    > I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
    > buffalo on a hot day.
    >
    > THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
    > forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
    >
    > BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
    > remove toilet stains.
    >
    > I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
    > serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.
    >
    > I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these
    > products are atheists who refuse to putĎUnder Godí on their cans.
    >
    > I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
    > different types of cancer.
    >
    > AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canít boil a cup of water in the
    > microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
    >
    > I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
    > infected with AIDS when I sit down
    >
    > I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
    > perfume sample and rob me.
    >
    > I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually
    > Al Qaeda agents in disguise. AndI no longer answer the phone because
    > someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
    > calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
    >
    > I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
    >
    > THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black
    > snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
    > bites my butt.
    >
    > AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped
    > in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
    > waiting to grab me as I bend over..
    >
    > I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
    > Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American
    > dictators.
    >
    > I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the wood
    > spider and my hand will fall off.
    >
    > If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
    > minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
    > tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
    > causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
    > happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second
    > husbandís cousinís best friendís beautician . . .
    >
    > Oh, by the way.....
    > A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
    > that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
    > hand on the mouse.
    >
    > Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late.
    >
    >
    > PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
    > e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
    >
    > HOW TRUE, HOW TRUE!!
    >
    Twenty First Herdster
    * When Its All Said And Done, Will You Have Said More Than You Have Done?
    ** How Old Would You Be If You Didnt Know How Old You Where?
    99 FLSTF
    03 FLHTCI

  • #2
    Oh my...I'm fugged for life...
    .
    2010 FLHX - Street Glide
    HERD MEMBER #00003

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    • #3
      At least you learned something from your emails, every one that sends me emails think I need discount prescription meds, some herb that makes my junk bigger, fake viagra, and that I can't get laid without a subscription to their site. At least the prime minister of a country I've never heard of wants to give me a bunch of money in exchange for my credit card number
      Herd #116

      If I were clever, I'd write something clever here.

      Comment


      • #4
        Just don't forget to forward that...
        Miles are on a road map, close to home is here
        Very Proud member #99
        Official Herd Hugger
        Count your life by smiles, not tears:
        Count your age by friends, not years.
        Old bikers don't gray, they CHROME OUT!!

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        • #5
          and if you forward it to enough people Micro$oft will pay you money.
          Herd Member #87
          US Navy Veteran

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          • #6
            Funny stuff!!!!!!!
            OFFICIAL HERD MEMBER #83
            2014 FLHXS
            U.S. NAVY Veteran

            Comment


            • #7
              Now thats funny!
              Herd#00055
              When we do wrong no one forgets!
              When we do right no on remembers!
              Tattooed White Boy

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              • #8
                :aahhhAnd if any one is lookin for me I will be out back planting a tree big enough so I can Hang Myself........No fun left after reading all that...LOL!!!
                Chris (Steveston)
                Herd # 93
                Retired Navy Vet

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                • #9
                  edWhere's that rock to hide under?
                  _________________________
                  Proud Herd Member # 00081

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                  • #10
                    Isn't life wonderful?

                    Welcome to the 21st Centruy, where nothing is safe......
                    OLD SKOOL BIKERS RULE, WE DO WHAT IT TAKES AND LIKE IT!!!
                    With age comes wisdom, yeah right!
                    FIRST "HERD BIKE OF THE MONTH CLUB MEMBER"
                    RIP Rick.....Ride On Forever In Our Hearts My Brother!

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