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I want to thank everyone who sent me educational e-mails over the past
> years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
>
> I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
> the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
> bacteria on the lemon peel.
>
> I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the
> last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
>
> I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
> has happened on it since it was last washed..
>
> Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
> imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
>
> I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
> of a public bathroom.
>
> I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop
> in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
> envelope that needs sealing.
>
> ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
> Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
> their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
> out for me, and St. Theresa’sNovena has granted my every wish.
>
> I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of
> ice with my kidneys gone.
>
> I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
>
> I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
> buffalo on a hot day.
>
> THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
> forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>
> BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
> remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
> serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put‘Under God’ on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
> different types of cancer.
>
> AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the
> microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
> infected with AIDS when I sit down
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
> perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually
> Al Qaeda agents in disguise. AndI no longer answer the phone because
> someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
> calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
>
> I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
>
> THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black
> snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
> bites my butt.
>
> AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped
> in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> waiting to grab me as I bend over..
>
> I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
> Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American
> dictators.
>
> I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the wood
> spider and my hand will fall off.
>
> If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
> tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
> causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
> happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
> husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
>
> Oh, by the way.....
> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
> that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
> hand on the mouse.
>
> Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
>
>
> PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
> e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
>
> HOW TRUE, HOW TRUE!!
>
> years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
>
> I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
> the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
> bacteria on the lemon peel.
>
> I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the
> last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
>
> I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
> has happened on it since it was last washed..
>
> Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
> imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
>
> I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
> of a public bathroom.
>
> I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop
> in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
> envelope that needs sealing.
>
> ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
> Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
> their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
> out for me, and St. Theresa’sNovena has granted my every wish.
>
> I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of
> ice with my kidneys gone.
>
> I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
>
> I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
> buffalo on a hot day.
>
> THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
> forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>
> BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
> remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
> serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put‘Under God’ on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
> different types of cancer.
>
> AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the
> microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
> infected with AIDS when I sit down
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
> perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually
> Al Qaeda agents in disguise. AndI no longer answer the phone because
> someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
> calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
>
> I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
>
> THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black
> snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
> bites my butt.
>
> AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped
> in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> waiting to grab me as I bend over..
>
> I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
> Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American
> dictators.
>
> I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the wood
> spider and my hand will fall off.
>
> If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
> tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
> causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
> happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
> husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
>
> Oh, by the way.....
> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
> that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
> hand on the mouse.
>
> Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
>
>
> PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
> e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
>
> HOW TRUE, HOW TRUE!!
>
edWhere's that rock to hide under?
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