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The Electric Fence

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  • The Electric Fence

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
    heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
    sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
    wire along the top of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
    miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
    into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
    ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
    push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for
    a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
    and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
    and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
    charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
    upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
    my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
    firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
    rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one
    with the engine.

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were
    fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
    differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
    different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
    bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
    and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
    were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
    fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always
    had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is
    now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
    river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just
    man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
    run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
    in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
    my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ....
    he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
    stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
    out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
    another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
    ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

    1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
    (not the left, just the right).
    3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
    you might think.
    4 - My left eye will not open.
    5 - My right eye will not close.
    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
    session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
    better than new after that.
    7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
    8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
    number 4 (still don't understand this???).

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
    I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
    to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
    clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives
    me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
    Lee....... If ya ain't the lead dog... the view never changes....

    Can weld anything but a broken heart

    ......It's a rebar thing.....
    HERD member # 00015

  • #2
    Lee, that has to be the funniest story I've ever Herd!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
    2014 FLHXS
    U.S. NAVY Veteran


    • #3
      damn lee, when i started reading this macabre story i thought it was actually you on the business end of the wire
      Twenty First Herdster
      * When Its All Said And Done, Will You Have Said More Than You Have Done?
      ** How Old Would You Be If You Didnt Know How Old You Where?
      99 FLSTF
      03 FLHTCI


      • #4
        Holy crap! I laughed 'til I cried!
        Official Herd Dumbass
        (Ask anybody)

        Crocified '07 XL1200C
        Herd #34


        • #5
          Now that is some funny Chit right there, I look forward to hearing some of these stories in person over a beer someday :)
          Ear Tag #110
          2012 Vivid Black Heritage
          USAF Retired, Desert Storm Vet
          When you are faced with a dispute, Give them the HERD Salute :)


          • #6
            Some ya'll may not caught that, Area in the corners of Texas, Arkansas and LA. Is ussually passed on that way when residents are describin where they live. Borders is kinda hard to find there I guess
            THE NEGATIVE ONE no better don't click
            How's my Spelin, CALL 1-800-BOSS to report my bad spelizin


            • #7
              i think had those 3 things happen all at once while i was reading this,,f-ing funny!!!
              HERDSTER #00115
              Herdstock II survivor
              Herdstock III survivor
              Herdstock IV survivor
              Herdstock VI survivor
              MOO TON CREW member
              I like the dog. If he can't eat it or f**k it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that


              • #8
                ha ha ha. That's funny right there!
                Took me back in time to my first visit on my uncles dairy farm in Des plains ill when I was 7. Cousin convinced me that pissing on the wire was pretty neat thing to do. It wasn't.
                Cousin also convinced me that running the manure spreader in reverse was necessary to engage it. It wasn't, but uncle made him clean the tractor. Heh. Oh and about the first skunk I'd ever seen, Cousin said.....
                Sorry, didn't mean to hijack ya BD but the recall was too much to pass up. Ahhhh the memories.
                HERD Member #00086
                09 FXDF "PABS"

                R.I.P. Rick Massey "Double secret agent 00019......"
                Rubberdown, Ride forever more in peace brother


                • #9
                  Dammit Lee, now you made my sides hurt from laughing so hard....

                  that's some funny chit right there
                  Ride in Peace Wndchsr



                  • #10
                    Bet ya fix the fence first, next time, BEFORE MOWING!! Good going there Sparky!!
                    With age comes wisdom, yeah right!
                    RIP Rick.....Ride On Forever In Our Hearts My Brother!


                    • #11
                      Yeah, it was funny watching him convulse on the ground in his own fluids ----- but I was nice and unplugged the charger to ease his suffering ------- Ok Lee, send beer now that you know how you got loose and all. lol
                      HERD MEMBER #00027
                      Riding for LT. Tim Campbell (LEO)
                      In Memory of Rubberdown RIP HERD #00019
                      In Memory of Betsy
                      In Memory of Sabrina


                      • #12
                        That was one good story!!
                        When we do wrong no one forgets!
                        When we do right no on remembers!
                        Tattooed White Boy


                        • #13
                          Tears, and sore sides, can't stop laughin...and as a follow up on electric fences, if they are broke, lookin kinda old, and ya twist them wires back together, it WILL WORK...just sayin...
                          Miles are on a road map, close to home is here
                          Very Proud member #99
                          Official Herd Hugger
                          Count your life by smiles, not tears:
                          Count your age by friends, not years.
                          Old bikers don't gray, they CHROME OUT!!


                          • #14
                            Well I aint touched one since I was little but it's stll remembered enough that I dont fugg with them. Seen cows that had to be forced across where the wire was even after they tore about half a mile down and removed the poles.
                            THE NEGATIVE ONE no better don't click
                            How's my Spelin, CALL 1-800-BOSS to report my bad spelizin


                            • #15
                              Lee....You do have a way with words....LOL.......I could not stop laughing....Sorry but it was funny!!!
                              Chris (Steveston)
                              Herd # 93
                              Retired Navy Vet