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Lizard Birth

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  • Lizard Birth

    "Lizard Birth"

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do..

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

    "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged.

    "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "Oh, gross!" they shrieked

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

    "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    "So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . ..
    I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "
    She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.

    One cage: $50.

    Trip to the vet: $30.

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:


    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

    Lizards lay eggs!
    HERDSTER #00115
    Herdstock II survivor
    Herdstock III survivor
    Herdstock IV survivor
    Herdstock VI survivor
    MOO TON CREW member
    I like the dog. If he can't eat it or f**k it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that

  • #2
    AHHHAHHA HAHAHA !!! That's great !
    HERD MEMBER #0057

    If i only had more time..............


    • #3
      can't say I have ever heard of some one jerking a lizard off lol
      HERD MEMBER #00027
      Riding for LT. Tim Campbell (LEO)
      In Memory of Rubberdown RIP HERD #00019
      In Memory of Betsy
      In Memory of Sabrina


      • #4
        well, thats one lizard....only 325,000,000 more to go.....LOL !!!!
        U.S. Army "Retired"
        (Disabled Veteran)


        • #5
          OMG who don't know that lizards lay eggs! I didn't even pay attention and knew that!

          HERD Member #114
          2007 FLHTCU Ultra Classic
          When all else fails, GET A BIGGER HAMMER!
          If common sense was so common, wouldn't everyone have it?


          • #6
            Patti, HERD Georgia Girl #113

            RubberDown/Double Secret Agent #19 and Ozzyrral #213...RIP
            We will ride again wndchsr...
            'If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.' - Katherine Hepburn


            • #7
              Official "Herd Booze taste tester!"

              Member #0006 :babe

              "Lead paint chips are chewy AND sweet......" In memory of Rick.


              • #8
                Good one!!!!! That's funny!!
                OFFICIAL HERD MEMBER #83
                2014 FLHXS
                U.S. NAVY Veteran


                • #9
                  Hilarious!!!! :)
                  Proud Herd Member # 00081