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  • Colonoscopies are no joke

    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.




    Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.




    Then Andy explained thecolonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


    I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-literplastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, waterybowel movement may result.'


    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..


    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


    On the subject of Colonoscopies...
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'


    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


    And the best one of all:
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
    Where does it say Humpty Dumpty was an Egg?
    Official HERD Member #00127 - Glenn
    Growing old is not for Sissies..........

  • #2
    Oh, how true those words are. The only difference with me having two of those things already is that my surgeon is not only acquainted, but also a fellow member of my church. That was hilarious!

    :laughout:laughout:laughout:laughout:laughout
    Bill
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    • #3
      They did one them sumeeebeeecheeees on Me once,did not put me out,That was pain beyond anything I ever dealt with before and believe Me working as a heavy equipment mechanic for over thirty years I do know what painfull situations really is,I also never ever before had heeeeemmmmooooroooids before then but I sure did afterwards,
      That balooooney thingey they stick up Yurarse,well I think they wuz tryin to see how many PSIz it would hold before bursting,well they could not make it burst so they just kept adding more pressure to it,I told that bastrich at the controls how much pain I wuz in but He was such a sadist that I honestly thought I herd Him sniggering to hisself as he added more pressure to that damnable thing,I thought that at any moment Mine ass would explode and was hoping if it did that that sadist at the controls would be right in the line of fire.
      After about three weeks or four,it seemed,they began to release the pressure from that thing but even at that I was still in a lot of pain and could`nt walk right for about five yearz.
      thats My story and i`m stickin to it.:laughout:laughout:laughout:laughout
      Ear Tag no. 00030

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      • #4


        Colonoscopy , If I have to explain it to you, you wouldn't understand........................that's where that saying came from.

        Described to a "T" If I never see that MoviPrep crap again, I won't be disappionted.


        That's the funniest true joke I have ever heard.
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        • #5
          Get one annually, history of colon cancer in the family. They have a screen set up where you can see what the camera and Dr's see. Only time I've been 'out' is when the did an upper and lower. Not fun, but been through worse. Angioplasty
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          • #6
            The worst part is you have to pay them to do that to you...Go figure......
            Where does it say Humpty Dumpty was an Egg?
            Official HERD Member #00127 - Glenn
            Growing old is not for Sissies..........

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            • #7
              Originally posted by screwball View Post
              Get one annually, history of colon cancer in the family. They have a screen set up where you can see what the camera and Dr's see. Only time I've been 'out' is when the did an upper and lower. Not fun, but been through worse. Angioplasty
              I hopes they did the upper first,that scope thing might taste kinda bad if they did er the other wayz around.:laughout:laughout:laughout:laughout
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              • #8
                Yeah .. I've had two. First time, my wife, three nurses, and a Doctor (I think). Yeah it was a blast! Everyone looking up there on the TV screen at (in) (TMI) my ass. When the drugs they gave me started kicking in they asked me how I felt? I said dwoozy. Oh yeah! Big Party! They all thought that was some funny stuff! I had to pay for that fun too!
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                • #9
                  Originally posted by MrMarty51 View Post
                  I hopes they did the upper first,that scope thing might taste kinda bad if they did er the other wayz around.:laughout:laughout:laughout:laughout
                  I asked if they did the upper first, or did they just wipe it off. They laughed and said it was 2 different probes............... unless you had an HMO.

                  When they were 'prepping' me I told them to please not be offended by my tattoos, I was young and very racist at the time. I waited a little while and asked "Can't find them can you" They all broke up. I don't have any tattoos on my ass, but they sure were looking
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                  • #10
                    Yep, that's about it. The bad thing is they don't buy you dinner first....
                    The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse, will be pretending I'm not excited!

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                    • #11
                      I thought I got one but when I woke up I was dressed so I think they just took my money and laughed all the way to the bank .
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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by screwball View Post
                        I asked if they did the upper first, or did they just wipe it off. They laughed and said it was 2 different probes............... unless you had an HMO.

                        When they were 'prepping' me I told them to please not be offended by my tattoos, I was young and very racist at the time. I waited a little while and asked "Can't find them can you" They all broke up. I don't have any tattoos on my ass, but they sure were looking
                        :laughout:laughout:laughout:laughout:laughout
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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Happy Hours View Post
                          I thought I got one but when I woke up I was dressed so I think they just took my money and laughed all the way to the bank .
                          But did they gives Yuh some a them gooooood drugs before they did yuh??????????:laughout:laughout:laughout:laughout
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                          • #14
                            Why yes yes they did and the girl administering them was an old friend of mine that I used to party with. LOL
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                            • #15
                              I had one and woke up dressed and the doc had talked to me about it but I can't recall any of that. I've been put under a lot and that's the 1st time that had happened. I could have been sodomized multiple times and I wouldn't have had a clue......
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