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  • Tools explained

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
    which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    'Oh sh--!'

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
    the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle
    firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
    cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
    the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
    outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
    or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
    your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
    Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
    your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
    cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
    contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
    collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
    Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you
    grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the
    top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
    need.

    Hope you found this informative.
    The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse, will be pretending I'm not excited!

  • #2
    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    Except when there is a window in the middle of the test zone. Mine failed the test. Oh yeah, happened to me.

    This is a great list BTW.

    Comment


    • #3
      This is good, all true definitions.
      Those who say it can't be done should get in the way of those doing it.
      Patriot Guard Riders # 209,359
      Official HERD Member #00139

      Comment


      • #4
        Still a laugh out loud good one!
        HERD Member #114
        2007 FLHTCU Ultra Classic
        When all else fails, GET A BIGGER HAMMER!
        If common sense was so common, wouldn't everyone have it?

        Comment


        • #5
          Sounds pretty accurate to me..
          Lee....... If ya ain't the lead dog... the view never changes....

          Can weld anything but a broken heart

          ......It's a rebar thing.....
          HERD member # 00015

          Comment


          • #6
            Sad but true on all accounts...Funny Stuff..
            Chris (Steveston)
            Herd # 93
            Retired Navy Vet

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            • #7
              Yep, those are some of the same functions I use my tools for. Funny stuff.
              2010 Ultra Limited/Merlot/Cherry
              Official HERD Member #00134

              Comment


              • #8
                Great list, Jim!!! I'm pretty sure I have alot of those SOB tools scattered around!!!:):)
                OFFICIAL HERD MEMBER #83
                2014 FLHXS
                U.S. NAVY Veteran

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                • #9
                  VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
                  heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
                  intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



                  Yes, I can relate to this device.........(shiver down my spine)
                  U.S. Army "Retired"
                  (Disabled Veteran)

                  Comment


                  • #10




                    If you don't laugh at these descriptions you've never used any of these tools.
                    2018 Road Glide
                    Member #00014

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