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  • Test Drive a Tazer (On The Wife!)

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased
    his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    my interest...

    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
    something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
    to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
    get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
    prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
    on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
    that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
    target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
    if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
    and tazer in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
    and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
    batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
    possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
    burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

    HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
    fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
    on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
    my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
    to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
    attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
    living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
    note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
    zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
    second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
    recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
    originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
    sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
    my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
    testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
    and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
    Chris (Steveston)
    Herd # 93
    Retired Navy Vet

  • #2
    this is freakin hysterical!!!!!
    sigpicHERD medic! #00039
    I am Jase's precious
    If you are what you eat, then I'm delicious!
    I miss you Rick, you goofball
    HPH- The Legend

    Comment


    • #3
      :)
      Appalachian Redneck

      "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used and worn out, loudly proclaiming, "WOW!!! WHAT A RIDE!!!"

      Comment


      • #4
        Pretty damned funny there!
        HERD Member #114
        2007 FLHTCU Ultra Classic
        When all else fails, GET A BIGGER HAMMER!
        If common sense was so common, wouldn't everyone have it?

        AKA: DAN

        Comment


        • #5
          Damn - until I read this I probably would have tried it! Not now, I've grown attached to my testicles!
          H1E2R8D

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Rainrider View Post
            Damn - until I read this I probably would have tried it! Not now, I've grown attached to my testicles!
            :):)boys... :)
            sigpicHERD medic! #00039
            I am Jase's precious
            If you are what you eat, then I'm delicious!
            I miss you Rick, you goofball
            HPH- The Legend

            Comment


            • #7
              oh god! it hurts to laugh this hard............ i nearly piss my pants everytime i read it.......
              Crazy people don't know they're crazy, I know I'm crazy therefore I'm not crazy, isn't that crazy.....

              Comment


              • #8
                I surely would have never taken a second thought and used the cat first.
                HERD Member #114
                2007 FLHTCU Ultra Classic
                When all else fails, GET A BIGGER HAMMER!
                If common sense was so common, wouldn't everyone have it?

                AKA: DAN

                Comment


                • #9
                  no doubt, i'd a lit the cats ass up!:good



                  Originally posted by Dan View Post
                  I surely would have never taken a second thought and used the cat first.
                  Crazy people don't know they're crazy, I know I'm crazy therefore I'm not crazy, isn't that crazy.....

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Got that as an e-mail, can't stop laughin, every time I read it!!!:):)
                    Miles are on a road map, close to home is here
                    Very Proud member #99
                    Official Herd Hugger
                    Count your life by smiles, not tears:
                    Count your age by friends, not years.
                    Old bikers don't gray, they CHROME OUT!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      :fatbob:fatbob:fatbob:fatbob:fatbob:fatbob
                      OLD SKOOL BIKERS RULE, WE DO WHAT IT TAKES AND LIKE IT!!!
                      With age comes wisdom, yeah right!
                      FIRST "HERD BIKE OF THE MONTH CLUB MEMBER"
                      RIP Rick.....Ride On Forever In Our Hearts My Brother!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        HYSTERICAL!!!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Funny stuff right there!.........here's your sign!!!!!!! Great post!:):):)
                          OFFICIAL HERD MEMBER #83
                          2014 FLHXS
                          U.S. NAVY Veteran

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            This one still brings tears..don't be taking a drink!!
                            Originally posted by steveston View Post
                            Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

                            Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased
                            his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

                            Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
                            my interest...

                            The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
                            something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
                            100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

                            The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
                            long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
                            to retreat to safety....??

                            WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

                            loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
                            Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
                            button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
                            get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
                            prongs.

                            AWESOME!!!

                            Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
                            on the face of her microwave.

                            Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
                            it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

                            There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
                            (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
                            that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
                            target.

                            I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
                            second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
                            if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
                            against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
                            advertised. Am I wrong?

                            So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
                            glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
                            and tazer in another.

                            The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
                            your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
                            and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
                            purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
                            water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
                            batteries.

                            All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
                            long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
                            AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
                            possible way!'

                            What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


                            I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
                            side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
                            burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
                            decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
                            touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

                            HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

                            I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
                            in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
                            over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
                            fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
                            on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
                            my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

                            The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
                            to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
                            attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
                            living room.

                            Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
                            note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
                            zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
                            from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
                            second burst would be considered conservative!

                            A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
                            that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
                            surveyed the landscape.

                            My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
                            recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
                            originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
                            twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
                            bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

                            Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
                            sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
                            my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
                            testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

                            P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
                            and now regularly threatens me with it!

                            If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
                            Miles are on a road map, close to home is here
                            Very Proud member #99
                            Official Herd Hugger
                            Count your life by smiles, not tears:
                            Count your age by friends, not years.
                            Old bikers don't gray, they CHROME OUT!!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              You know, as funny as this story was and it was very funny, as Rainrider said, there is a greater that 50% chance I would have done the same thing....

                              scary eh.
                              Evan

                              an intellectual dwarf

                              Official HERD Member #00197

                              Comment

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